A Love - Hate Relationship with Baking

How have you guys been coping with social distancing and PSBB in Jakarta so far? Are you guys doing alright? Are you still keeping that sanity level real high? Or, are you in an all time low? I have been staying at home for almost two months now and, I think, I may have reached that point where I passed all that loosing-my-sanity phase that everybody’s probably experiencing. I made peace with the fact that I may have to stay a little bit longer at home now that we haven’t reach the peak of this pandemic here in Jakarta, so, I’m coping with whatever options that I have to not be idle - one of it being baking, and a bit of cooking. 

I had been baking Egg Custard Tart and Quiche at home and sold them to those who are interested in buying. I opened a pre-order on my Instagram account one day and I was surprised when I got numerous DMs from my followers, saying that they wanted to have a taste of my pies. It lit my heart with joy! Being the responsible amateur baker that I am, I complied with all of their orders and baked the sweet and savory munchies for one whole week. 

It was exhausting and fun at the same time. The longer I spend my time in the kitchen kneading dough and making custard, the more I develop this love - hate relationship with baking. I’m not trying to be cocky by saying that not a single pie that I made have failed, but all of them were successfully baked and they tasted delicious!

Now, you may, or may not, be wondering why I bake these pies. To tell the truth, I think it’s the only thing that I can bake, so far, without failing. I tried baking brownies and Angel Food Cake once, and they both failed miserably - the brownies, although thoroughly baked and had a very beautiful cracked surface, was too sweet, while the Angel Food Cake was as hard as a brick because I messed up one of the cooking method. But, when it comes to pie, it has been a smooth ride baking it since day one. 

Angel Food Cake? More like Brick Cake

The overly sweet Brownie that I made

The pie crust was scrumptious, as it had this buttery short-bread like texture that I love and, apparently, everybody in the house loves as well. One of my method in making the pie crust is to add a dash of salt in the dough, so that it would bring out the flavor of the sugar and the butter. I used to question this method because I thought that anything that has salt in it would tasted salty. Turns out, it didn’t taste the slightest bit salty, yet it had this very enjoyable savoriness that I’m fond of. 

Look at this beauty!

Mini Pies that I made with some leftover ingredients

The custard, on the one hand, was amazingly delicious! I used a lot of egg yolks in the process of making the custard concoction and it baffled me when the eggs didn’t overpower the whole flavor wheel. The custard tasted sweet and delicious, and the fact that it had this silky smooth and custardy texture blows my mind. The texture, if I may say, had this impression as if it was the love child of PUYO pudding and Panna Cotta - silky smooth, yet quite sturdy. 

I bake mostly at midnights, when everybody’s asleep and I have the kitchen all to myself. One night, I used this dashing apron that my best friend got me as a birthday present, put on some dandy ‘50s bops, and whisked my custard to the rhythm of the music. True, I was lacking a lot of sleep during this week of baking, but the joy that I got when people said that my baked goods were delicious instantly shoved away all those exhaustions. 

Leftover pie dough calls for Butter Biscuits

Other than the Egg Custard Tart, I also made a few batches of Quiche. I was overwhelmed at the time I tried baking my first Quiche as I succeed with flying colors. Although it may look a bit pale (I didn’t want to burn the crust, so I took it out from the oven earlier), but it had this kick of savory and salty flavors that was just wonderful. I used some cocktail sausages and Mozzarella cheese mixed with some milk and eggs to make the filling concoction, pour it into the savory pie crust that I blind-bake beforehand, and voila! I baked myself a serving of Sausage and Mozzarella Quiche! Again, I surprised myself. 

Chicken and Mushroom Quiche

I was doing very good in baking for money, yet the ingredients are getting more difficult to obtain as the suppliers are not getting their imported goods because of this pandemic. I don’t want to settle for some low-grade ingredients that I can get for a cheaper price, as it will ruin the entire flavor and texture quality that I set for my pies. So, I had to temporarily discontinue selling my baked goods. I still haven’t bake anything until now and I’m not planning to until I get the right ingredients. 

I sold this combo of sweet and savory pies for 50K

I guess I have to spend my time with DOTA once again.. 

Celebrating Eid al-Fitr in the Air

I didn't get to celebrate last year's Eid al-Fitr with my family back home because I had a flight to flew on that particular day. Lucky for me, one of my cabin crew, who happen to share the same fate with me, bring a heap of Ramadan dishes that her family sent from home. That morning, I got to feast like how I usually feast during the festival of breaking the fast.

Home-cooked meals are the best, don't you think? I was served some sliced ketupat (sticky rice in a shape of a diamond), a bowl of opor ayam (boiled chicken cooked in coconut milk), and some sambal kentang (stir-fried diced potatoes in sambal). All of the dishes were heated in the airplane's oven and they were warm enough for me to enjoy with my captain. 

We had to take turns in eating because one of the pilot had to keep an eye on the sky. When it was my turn to dine, I was very occupied in indulging them dishes as they were so delicious. 

Another Gluten-free Pasta

Beberapa malam yang lalu, Kinan memutuskan untuk masak untuk makan malam. Kali ini, ditemani oleh tetangga kost, tetangga seberang yang sepertinya sedang berantem, dan sorotan flash dari HP karena lampu yang di dapur mati.

Seperti biasa, pasta yang digunakan adalah pasta gluten-free. Kenapa gluten-free? Hal ini dikarenakan Kinan sangat takut menjadi gendut, oleh karena itu sebisa mungkin Kinan menggunakan bahan-bahan yang bisa memperlambat kenaikan berat badannya. Dan, terlebih dari itu, gluten-free pasta itu sehat, lho!

Modal bawang putih di tumis pakai minyak kelapa, makan malampun sudah tersedia. Eits, tapi nggak hanya itu saja. Saus dasar yang digunakan untuk membuat masakan ini adalah saus Bolognese botolan garapan San Remo. Rasanya cukup manis, tapi nggak berlebihan. Gurihnya pun ada, dan tomat yang dipakai untuk membuat saus ini melimpah. Tambahkan sedikit garam Himalaya dan daging ayam giling untuk menambah cita rasa, lalu jadilah!

Sayang, mangkok yang dipakai adalah mangkok Doraemon. Kurang aestetik. 

Lunch for Two

Today’s lunch was a home meal I cooked for me and my neighbor, Leo. Leo here is an ex classmate from Air Asia who is living next door. We were both unoccupied with flight schedules this afternoon, so we decided to have lunch together. Since I have some chicken and tempeh I brought from home yesterday, I decided to cook with the ingredients I have and skip eating out like what he suggested. 

So, today’s meal was a simple chicken fried rice with tempe orek (stir-fried tempeh with sweet soy sauce), along with some fritters that Leo bought at this warteg (short for “warung tegal”, which is basically a cheap dining place with home-cooked dishes) where we usually buy our food. No fuss whatsoever, I only had to fry some garlic with the coconut oil I bought at Naked Inc., then I put in the shredded chicken, added some rice, then I took a pinch of Himalayan salt (which I bought at Naked Inc. as well), and finally I dashed some powdered black pepper into the concoction. Voila! 

I’ve been eating Shirataki rice for quite some time now, so I cooked my meal separately because Leo was having his regular white rice. Shirataki rice, you see, is like your regular rice because it is made out of root plant (like potato and yam). It doesn’t contain as much gluten as regular rice do, so it suits those who are on a gluten-free diet. Funnily, it tasted like regular rice! 

It only took me a while to prep up the meal and, before he knew it, lunch was served. We ate at our boarding house’s front yard. It had passed mid noon by the time we dine in, but, thankfully, the sun was very subtle, making it not too hot for the both of us to dine outdoor. 

Setangkup roti bakar dan segelas teh tawar panas untuk menemani pikiran yang bergelut pagi ini.

Pandora Experience

A couple of days ago, my cousins and I went to Kelapa Gading to play at this famous escape house in Jakarta named Pandora Experience. You see, we were basically escape-house virgins, so we were not familiar with how this game goes, let alone how it works. I booked a slot over a phone call for the Forest of the Dead, which is the theme of the game. There are numerous theme for one place and, turned out, I happen to chose the most extreme one of all the themes available. “The difficulty is five out of five, the fear factor is five out of five as well, while the physical activity is four out of five,” said Nuning, a cousin of mine, reading the information written on the official website about the theme we were about to undergo as we were driving to Mall Kelapa Gading. Shit, I thought to myself, I’d probably shit my pants playing this escape game. 

Left to right: Gavin, Nadja, me, Nuning, and Adji

Imagine going to a cinema to watch a movie, but instead of doing so, you are going to a dark building with splashing color of black and red and being put inside a chamber for two hours to find your way out by finding clues and solving riddles; that’s how the escape game works. Within each theme, the duration of the game differs, as well as the amount of players needed to play the game. Mine needed, at least, four persons to play, and it can be up to ten persons. 

Out game started at 8:30PM. We arrived a bit early, got briefed by the game master about the dos and don’ts, stored our belongings inside a locker provided by Pandora Experience, and went to the third floor to our game chamber. We were given a walkie talkie. That’s it. No flash lights, no candles, nothing to light up the expected dark and eerie chamber. The walkie talkie is used to communicate with the game master in case we stumbled upon a dead end and needed a help from the game master himself to solve the mystery. Very handy and useful, and we used the particular equipment a lot during our entire two and a half hours roaming around the maze.

What we experienced inside the maze-like chamber was none like we have ever came accross with before. We had to crawl, we had to climb, we were trapped in a very small room with minimum lighting, we were surrounded by speakers that blare creepy sounds and music, and we also were separated halfway through the game not because we were lost, but because the story line required us to. “Only one can go inside the maze and it has to be a.. woman,” said the game master through the walkie talkie. Nadja was terrified, as well as Nuning. I was as well, but I had to be the one who do this task otherwise we won’t finish the game and we might get kicked out for not being able to finish it under the specified time period. So I did. It was the most terrifying moment in my life as I had to crawl my way into a narrow and dark passage, clogging my ears with my fingers so that I won’t be hearing much of the very very loud sinister background music that was booming from the speaker. I had my walkie talkie with me and kudos to the game master for being very patient with all of my distress calls. “I can’t do this,” I said, trembling, “I’m too scared.” which was then replied with a soothing, “Just calm yourself. Everything will be okay.”. 

The storyline was great. We got to know the background story of the theme we chose as we travel from chamber to chamber, maze to maze, discovering the secrets that lies within the Aokigahara forest while we struggle to find our exit. 

The physical activity was amazing, although very much exhausting. It wouldn’t be a problem for those who work out regularly. Unfortunately, the five of us never touched a barbel, or run a mile, within the month. We ended up running out of breaths at some points. 

Last but not least is the fear factor, which exceeded expectation as the five of us were very very terrorized even by the background music itself, let alone the jump scares. The props used were twisted and fucked up, that's for sure. 

Seriously, Pandora Experience is not like any other haunted house you’ve ever encountered before. It frustrates you in a good way and it scars you for life. Surprisingly, despite all the terrors, it gives you this addiction that makes you want to play again, but with a different theme. It definitely satisfies your rush for adrenalin and lust for a good horror. Not recommended for the faint-hearted and those who are claustrophobic and scotophobic. 

Pandora Experience

Jalan Boulevard Bar. Raya, No. 46

RT002 RW009

Kelapa Gading, jakarta Utara 14240

To book your game, you can go visit Pandora Experience's official website here. 

Cerita Terbang Hari Ini

Hari ini gue terbang dengan kapten yang lebih rela nggak sampai destinasi lebih awal demi menghindari awan besar yang membentang sepanjang ratusan kilometer, panjang atas bawah dan kiri kanan. Dari airways yang kami lalui, kami sampai harus menghindar 90 kilometer jauhnya demi nggak menabrak awan tersebut. Itu kami hanya kena serempetan buntut awannya saja, tapi goyangannya cukup terasa. Gue sampe berhenti makanin kacang saking tegangnya pegangan sama dashboard. 

Sebenarnya kami punya beberapa pilihan lain selain menghindar, yaitu naik ke flight level yang lebih tinggi, atau mantengin airways kami dengan resiko ayan masal, baik flight crew dan tamu kami yang terhormat, selama 15 menit gara-gara pesawat kena goncang. Sayangnya, flight level lainnya sudah diambil oleh pesawat lain dan pilihan kedua, kalau beneran dilakuin, adalah pilihan yang bodoh. Alhasil, gue dan kapten setuju untuk menghindari awan saja. Jauh nggak apa-apa, yang penting nggak sport jantung.

Awan itu, meskipun dari daratan dan dari jendela pesawat kelihatannya cantik dan menggemaskan, sebenarnya berbahaya. Ada tingkatan-tingkatan bahayanya, tergantung jenis awannya seperti apa. Gue akan menjelaskan secara singkat di sini bukan dengan bahasa penerbangan supaya kalian, yang gue heran kenapa sedang baca blog post gue yang ini, bisa mengerti. Yuk, simak.

Cantik, tapi mematikan.

Awan putih yang kelihatan tebal seperti bulu domba ternyata nggak seempuk yang kalian bayangkan. Awan itu berisi muatan air yang sangat-sangat berat sampai kalau sayap pesawat gue nyerempet sedikit saja dari gumpalan uap itu, pesawat gue akan berguncang sangat dahsyat. Pada saat itu, mungkin tanda sabuk pengaman yang ada di langit-langit pesawat sudah menyala dan penggunaan kamar kecil tidak disarankan. Pada saat itu juga gue tengah mencengkram pinggiran dashboard dengan tangan kanan gue, sementara tangan kiri gue sibuk mengatur kecepatan pesawat dengan FCU (kependekan dari Flight Control Unit, yang adalah deretan tombol untuk mengatur beberapa hal dalam pesawat, termasuk kecepatannya). Keringat gue sudah pasti bercucuran dan kemungkinan besar gue menjeritkan, "TUHAN YESUS PIMPIN. TUHAN YESUS PIMPIN," dalam hati.

Di pesawat gue, ada enam buah monitor yang gue pakai dalam penerbangan, salah satunya berguna untuk memantau awan. Monitor ini dinamakan ND (Navigation Display) dan ia bekerja sama dengan weather radar yang terpasang di radome (sebutan dalam dunia aviasi untuk bagian hidung pesawat, atau bagian "moncong"). Weather radar bisa mendeteksi tingkat presipitasi air pada udara, atau bahasa yang lebih gampangnya adalah uap air, yang kemudian dipresentasikan di ND dalam corak abstrak berwarna hijau, kuning, merah, dan magenta. Yang barusan gue sebutin adalah warna untuk tingkatan uap air dari rendah ke tinggi. Semakin tinggi kandungan air, semakin bahaya pula apabila pesawat masuk ke dalamnya.

Contoh gambaran weather radar pada ND. Gambar diambil dari Google.

Selama masa pendidikan, gue selalu diajarkan untuk tidak masuk awan. Setiap ada awan, menghindar. Lihat dulu situasinya, pantau melalui jendela secara visual dan pantau juga dengan weather radar. Apabila awan itu kelihatan tipis dan tidak akan menyebabkan guncangan yang terlaly kencang, nggak apa-apa kalau mau ditrabas. Tapi, kalau di monitor sudah ada warna kuning dan merah, apalagi magenta, dan saat dilihat secara visual awannya berwarna putih mengkilap dan solid bak tembok, mending cepet-cepet menghindar sebelum berabe.

Sampai di sini nggak terlalu bingung, kan? Penjelasan mengenai awan cukup sampai di sini ya, kita kembali lagi ke cerita terbang gue hari ini.

Nah, siang tadi, dalam perjalanan gue pulang ke Surabaya dari Kuala Lumpur, ada suatu area di atas Laut Jawa yang tertutup dengan awan. Awan itu sangat-sangat besar dan panjang membentang dari kiri ke kanan. Ibarat sedang main galasin dengan awan, pesawat gue harus menghindar dari hadangan awan-awan jahat itu untuk bisa menang, dan menang di sini adalah sampai tujuan dengan selamat sentosa (mengantarkan rakyat Indonesia ke depan pintu kemerdekaan negara Indonesia, eh ini mah Pembukaan UUD 1945).

Jangan dekat-dekat, awannya "galak".

Sayangnya, ada beberapa kapten yang rela menerobos gumpalan-gumpalan awan itu demi sampai ke tujuan lebih cepat. Kalau gue dipasangkan dengan kapten bermental seperti itu, selain memberi saran untuk menghindari awan bagaimanapun caranya, gue akan tegang sepanjang perjalanan menembus awan, dengan keringat bercucuran (padahal di cockpit itu dingin, lho), kedua tangan berpegang pada dashboard, sambil menjeritkan doa dalam hati, "TUHAN YESUS PIMPIN.".

Untungnya, partner terbang gue hari ini cukup sehati dengan gue. Kami berdua sama-sama berpikiran untuk menghindari awan. Alhasil, penerbangan terakhir gue siang tadi berjalan dengan lancar. Hati tenang, perut kenyang, tidur pun tenang.

Early Morning Update

It's 9.30 in the morning in Bali. I just had breakfast with the whole family. Managed to wake up at 6.30 and jogged my way through the village. Well, I didn't cover the whole village, per se, but I ran until the next village. Much achievement, such accomplishment!

Then I got home, cut me some fruits for pre-breakfast, then shared a portion of nasi bungkus with my Mom and Dad. Washed my dirty laundries from this week, took a bath, and currently enjoying some Japanese Marlboro. Life is good. 

Exhale.

There are times when I feel idle. I don't have the motivation to do anything. I can't clear out my mind that's constantly drowned by my thoughts, which most of them are very negative. I struggle to keep my sanity untouched, nor drowned, by the branching questions that pops up on the corner of my brain that always end at "I'm not good enough". I feel isolated from happiness as my body emits this rage and hate towards everything and everyone. I feel uneasy with myself. Maybe it's a hormonal thing? I'm not quite sure. But, I hope it is. 

The only thing that has been keeping me intact is cooking and eating. I have this tendency to binge eat everything in sight, which is bad knowing that I can gain a lot of weight by just eating a handful of rice, so I decided to cook my meal. Whatever it is, just cook, as long as it doesn't contain any carbs and processed sugar. My sugar intake is from fruits alone, while my energy comes from the braised chicken breast and fried tempeh. Although poptarts are far more delicious that a plain old tempeh, I tried to eat healthy every day. 

I know this particular writing of mine is all over the place, but I need to get this word jumbles that had been lingering in my head. There are still lots of food reviews I need to write, travel diaries I need to tell, and pictures of dishes I need to show, but I can't bring myself to write well. I hope my mind will get better soon. 

Missing Bali

My house in Pejeng is quite breathtaking in the morning with all its' sun light, green dewy grass, chilly atmosphere, and quiet neighborhood. I regularly start the day with a bowl of fruits, my Mom and I got from the grocery store the day before, and a cup of hot green tea.

I've been learning and practicing about food plating. I love how them vegan restaurants, or a health bar, manage to scoop diced fruits and serve them beautifully in a bowl. Not to mention, the ingredients used are very vibrant and colorful, which tingles my appetite and also my needs for aesthetic. Here was my attempt. What do you think?

After breakfast, I carried on procrastinating by watching nice vlogs from the internet and mess around with my dog. He goes by the name Sapi, which is Indonesian for cow. I know, it sounds odd. But, the name "sapi" originated from his black and white fur that is similar to a cow. I miss this rascal.

See You, Bella

I’ve been enjoying myself these past three months I almost lost myself to this newly developed alter ego of mine. She goes by the name Bella, a very strong woman who doesn’t give any care about anything other than her parents and her happiness. She does what she needs to do to make herself happy, even if it means unfollowing some Instagram accounts that don’t suit her aesthetic palate and cutting off toxic people in her life. She is wild and free-spirited. A very determined fellow that won’t stop trying before she gets what she aimed, one of it being skinnier. 

My go-to salad

Yes, I’ve been very cruel to my body. I ate one meal a day, drank black coffee and smoke some cigarettes whenever I feel hungry, cut all carbs and excessive sugar intake, and work-the-hell-out of my month of June. I managed to drop to 57Kg, which is an amazing achievement after a drastic gain of weight during my line training last year. I could finally fit into my old dresses, which made me very happy. 

During these months of hell, I mostly cook my meal. Even if I had to buy my lunch, I managed to get me Tous les Jours’ Cajun Chicken Salad every. single. time. Tofu and tempeh are my daily staples, with some soup along the way whenever I have extra time to spare. I’m well aware by the fact that, with my current allowance, I’m able to go for take-outs everyday if I want to, but I chose not to. Cooking my own meal helped me to control what I eat, as well as saving money for me to spend on a trip to Narita, Japan. 

Clear soup vegetable ala me

Some oseng tempe and fried tofu

A plate of stir-fried stuff

Another stir-fried stuff, but the uglier version

I got all of the recipe I used from my Mom, who is the cook I look up to in the culinary world. I’m used to watching her dice up some garlic and put a bucketful of ingredient on a wok to make a delicious stir-fried vegetables, so cooking is not that alien for me. Most days, I settle with oseng tempe and clear vegetable soup. But, there are days when I feel like experimenting with other plant-based ingredients I bought at Superindo. 

Bella, you see, was not satisfied when she reached 57Kg. She was happy, but she thought she can do more. She wanted to lose more weight. She wanted a body that she thought people would want. She wanted people to see her as a 9. She wanted to be wanted. "Being skinny is not enough," she thought, so, after she got her blessing from Dad to dye her hair, she did. An aquatic blue ombre that reminds her of Sailor Neptune from an old anime called Sailor Moon. Followed by a series of short denims and cropped tops, she showed the world how she bloomed into this wild and beautiful orchid after years being caged and not having any option to grow. She’s happy. I’m happy.

Boiled some chopped carrots because I didn't feel like cooking

Being happy is always a good thing. But, in my case, I had to slow down a bit because of how overwhelming it was. I was too focused on making myself happy, I got way too comfortable with myself being happy by myself only. So, here I am, back doing what I love and what gives me sanity: writing and eating. I managed to eat like how I used to eat these past two weeks and a gained three kilos of fat already. I know I'm not being healthy, and I'm being very anxious with this whole weight gain thing, but Bella does no good to my body. I need to change my mindset from wanting to be skinny to wanting to be healthy. It sure will take time. I just hope Bella won't comeback for now. 

P.S. Pardon the vertical pictures. I was focussing a wee bit too much on my Instastory feeds, so I took pictures mostly in vertical. 

Happiness comes instantly. 

What needs effort is to stay constantly happy. 

Some days, I need to work extra hard in maintaining the slightest joy inside me.

Failure is an old friend, though. 

But, I got up, not wanting to give up. 

Because, after all this time, I finally got what I've been wanting for the past year.

Which is, to live.

To love.

To breathe.

To fly.

To be free. 

To be the master of my own mind and my own body.

And not letting anyone be the pilot of my own aircraft.

But, still, it takes a lot to stay constantly happy.

I'm working on it. 

My Remedy

I haven't been feeling myself lately. I'm not sure if it's because of Aunt Ruby's in town, or is it because of the stuff that's been happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, life is beautiful now that I'm able to live it just like how I want it to be! But, it's the unexpected turn of events that gives a little nudge on the "Self, are you fully recovered?".

At times like this, the best remedy to keep me sane is Mom's cooking. She made the best food with her hand. She can't even imitate the taste of gorengan that you can find on the streets because Mom's gorengan tasted way much better than those on sale for Rp1.000,00 each. Even when she failed at making cookies, because the batter was to watery hence resulting a blob of crispy sugary substance, they still tasted good.

A couple of flights ago, she packed me some vegetable omelette, fried chicken, and some steamed broccoli. Nothing fancy, just a simple yet delicious range of food that suited my no-carb no-sugar diet. It was a long flight, but it didn't drained the life out of me because I had Mom's cooking to boost my energy.

I paired my dinner with a cup of Wedang Uwuh that I bought when Mom and I went to Solo. It's not the instant powder-type one, but the actual bag of herb itself. It consists, if I'm not mistaken, of cloves, cinnamon stick, ginger, nutmeg leaves, secang leaves, lemongrass, cardamom, and bits of rock sugar. Put them all in a cup, pour some hot water into it, and you got yourself a glassful of warm and spicy goodness. I didn't add sugar to my hot drink, and it tasted fine the way it is.

Despite the bad weather, I felt okay and managed to pull myself together through it all.  

Kurma dan Celotehan Lainnya

Akhir-akhir ini gue baru mulai bisa menyikapi, atau lebih tepatnya mengeles dari, awkward moments yang sering kali gue alami di kehidupan sehari-hari. Lebih seringnya, sih, terjadi di kantor saat gue tengah mempersiapkan diri untuk terbang hari itu.

Contoh sederhananya:

Biasanya gue akan ngendok di suatu meja, mempersiapkan segala dokumen yang perlu gue pelajari untuk terbang, ya dari chart, flight plan, kondisi cuaca pada jam berapa, kondisi awan pada jam berapa, dan kawan-kawannya. Karena gue seorang pilot, sudah pasti gue akan terbang bersama kapten gue. Otomatis duduk bareng, dong? Lalu, ada aja, nih, teman kerja seperpilotan yang akan nyamperin kapten gue untuk salam, atau sekedar bertanya, "Terbang ke mana, Kep?". Nah, di situ lah awkward moment itu terjadi. Ketika mereka selesai ngobrol dan mereka bersalaman, sudah pasti gue akan menyodorkan tangan gue untuk dijabat juga. Dan, namanya juga awkward moment ya, tangan gue tidak disambut dengan tangan lain, melainkan dengan tatapan singkat dan sapaan selamat tinggal, "Yo, Nan". Nyeh.

Gue yang dulu akan kelimpungan sendiri mengatasi rasa malu karena tidak dijabatnya tangan gue (insert "da aku mah apa atuh cuma sisaan mecin chitato dibuang ke tong sampah" meme here). Tapi, sekarang gue malah membatu di tempat, nengok ke kapten gue, dan mengeluarkan, "Yah, Kep, saya nggak disalamin." lalu kapten gue akan tertawa iba.

But, then again, I have come to embrace the awkwardness of that particular situation. Mungkin gue sudah terlalu lelah mengeluarkan emosi-emosi negatif yang tidak diperlukan, karena nantinya akan berpengaruh ke terbang gue, jadinya gue memutuskan untuk, "Da aku mah apa atuh cuma pecahan kulit kwaci".

Kalau kamu, entah kapan, ada aja kedapetan pengalaman canggung seperti tadi, jangan dibawa mumet. Handle it with jokes. Your life is a joke anyway. Cia.

Ngomong-ngomong, yang di atas tadi cuma cerita selingan. Kemarin, di penerbangan yang membawa gue ke Medan (iya, ini lagi di Medan), gue dibagi beberapa potong kurma dari Mas Yopie. Beliau adalah salah satu pramugara senior yang sudah bergabung di AirAsia lebih lama ketimbang gue yang masih anak bawang ini (saking bawangnya sampai nggak disalamin). Pas banget gue tengah menimbang-nimbang mau beli cemilan apa di pesawat saking laparnya. Kurmanya manis, keras, tapi nggak kering saat dikunyah. Cocok banget ditemani dengan segelas teh tawar hangat.

Asupan Imun dari Colette Lola

Berangkat kerja dari Terminal 3 itu menyenangkan, tapi lebih banyak bikin kepala pusingnya. Satu karena jalan dari imigrasi ke pesawatnya jauh, kedua karena banyaknya tempat jajan terkenal yang makanan dan minumannya aesthetically pleasing dengan harganya yang nggak terlalu bersahabat untuk dompet kaum medit seperti gue. Salah satu contohnya adalah Colette Lola. Iya, gengs, Colette & Lola buka cabang di bandara. Kurang keren apalagi Terminal 3?

Kemarin siang, saat gue tengah menunggu kedatangan pesawat yang akan gue terbangi dari Jakarta ke Singapur, gue mampir ke kiosnya Colette & Lola yang berlokasi berdekatan dengan Gate 8 dan Gate 9. Nyari nyari nyari, tapi nggak ketemu cemilan yang rendah kalori, rendah gula, dan rendah karbohidrat. Lalu pandangan gue tertuju kepada sederet menu dengan nama Sejuice Me's Healthy Juice. Seperti yang udah gue sebutkan di atas, harganya nggak terlalu bersahabat, berkisar antara Rp50.000,00 sampai Rp65.000,00. Sesungguhnya gue, pada saat itu, nggak lapar. Tapi mulut dan tangan rasanya gatal ingin jajan. Akhirnya, setelah menimbang-nimbang, pilihan gue jatuh pada sebotol cold-pressed juice dengan nama Immune Booster. Pas banget lagi butuh asupan imun.

Terbuat dari campuran apel, jeruk, dan nanas, dilengkapi dengan goji beri dan chia seed biar nggak bosen-bosen amat neguk, tapi juga bisa ngunyah. Total biaya yang gue keluarkan adalah Rp60.000,00 karena, ternyata, meskipun harga jus botolan ini lebih murah lima ribu rupiah, ternyata ada pajaknya. Berasa makan di restoran, ya.

Untungnya jusnya enak dan segar, nggak ngecewain. Meskipun jeruknya mendominasi, tapi apel dan nanasnya pun bisa terasa disetiap tegukan. Gue paling senang dengan butiran-butiran goji beri dan chia seed yang bisa dikunyah. Rasanya ibarat memakan coklat yang ada isian biskuit dan kacangnya.

Cerita Hari Ini

Hari ini dimulai ketika hp gue menjeritkan nada dering tanda telfon masuk dari aplikasi LINE. Otomatis, dengan pembawaan gue yang nggak terimaan, gue mengambil hp untuk melihat siapa yang bikin kepala gue pusing pagi-pagi buta begini. "Anggita" begitu tulisannya di layar yang terangnya bikin mata gue serasa mau copot, dan itu belum ada jam 4 pagi. Hampir kesel karena nada deringnya berisik dan mengganggu tidur gue, tapi kemudian gue inget bahwa dua jam sebelumnya gue sengaja ngasih pr ke Anggita untuk bangunin gue jam 4 karena gue ada tes penerimaan pilot Garuda Indonesia hari ini. Oke, nggak jadi marah.

Susah banget kayaknya buat melek jam segitu, padahal biasanya main DOTA sampai matahari terbit pun sanggup. Kemudian gue paksa badan gue untuk beranjak dari tempat tidur dan keluar kamar untuk memulai pekerjaan rumah lebih pagi daripada biasanya. Nggak sampai lima belas menit dan semuanya sudah beres. Baru saja gue mau rebus air utuk nyeduh teh, ada lagi telfon masuk. Kali ini tulisannya "Ambar", yang kemudian gue sambut dengan, "Halo, Mbar, gue udah bangun." dan dibalas dengan suara parau yang, setangkepnya gue, membuat suara, "Hm-mh!"

Nggak lupa, setelah menjawab telfon dari Ambar, gue mengirim pesan ke salah satu sahabat gue sedari SMP yang pun gue titipin pr untuk bangunin gue jam 4 pagi. "Vel, gue udah bangun, ya," tulis gue di LINE, yang dia balas dengan, "wkwkwkwk". Sampai sekarang, gue nggak tau bunyi dari "wkwkwk" itu seperti apa. Di pikiran gue pasti, "wek wek wek" macem bebek ketawa.

Sarapan gue pagi ini adalah segelas teh hijau panas dan satu bungkus Antangin cair. Tadinya mau nyiapin bekal sembari ngerebus air panas untuk mandi, tapi kemudian ada telfon masuk yang nggak disangka-sangka. "Kamu udah bangun belum," bentak suaranya dari seberang telfon. "Udah bangun, kok, ini aku lagi mau mandi," balas gue dengan nada melas. "Hm, ya udah," katanya lagi sebelum sambungannya terputus. Kaget pagi-pagi udah harus berhadapan dengan nada tinggi, tapi ada senengnya juga dapet kejutan wake-up call dari pacar. Terus, abis itu, lupa mau nyiapin bekal. Padahal Ibu gue udah nyiapin muffin bikinannya, sengaja buat gue makan pagi ini. Seharusnya.. 

Nggak butuh waktu lama untuk gue mandi dan memakai seragam untuk tes hari ini, cukup 20 menit saja. Nggak lama dari selesai gue mandi, pacar gue pun datang menjemput. "Aku udah di depan rumah," katanya di telfon. Belum pernah kayaknya gue buka pager sesemangat, dan setersipu malu, pagi ini. Ya, habisnya, siapa yang nggak bakal excited untuk ketemu pacar lo setelah ditinggal keluar kota selama 40 hari lamanya? Dan karena terbatasnya komunikasi oleh kesibukan masing-masing pula yang membuat tingkat semangat gue makin meletup-letup. Buka pager rumah aja udah kayak lagi ngikutin PO berdarahnya penulis favorit gue, Ika Natassa. 

Berangkat lah kami ke daerah Duri Kosambi, tempat di mana tes penerimaan pilot Garuda Indonesia hari ini dilaksanakan. Singkat cerita, tes hari ini bener-bener bikin otak gue membengkak dua kali lipat ukuran normalnya. Gue pun merasa berat badan gue berkurang drastis saking getolnya nyari arah dan besar kecepatan angin berhembus semisal suatu pesawat dengan heading 120º, TAS 80 Knots, menempuh jarak dari titik A ke titik B yang jauhnya 315Nm dalam waktu 3,5 jam. Kurang greget apa gue? Oh iya, Anggita dan Ambar pun ikut tes hari ini, tapi jadwal tes mereka lebih dulu daripada gue. 

Dheo, yang jadwal tesnya barengan dengan Anggita dan Ambar, tengah sibuk dengan Mobile Legendnya saat gue kembali ke mobil setelah menyelesaikan Aeronautical Test hari ini. "Beb, puyeng," jerit gue. Untuk beberapa saat kemudian, sembari menyetir kembali ke Bekasi, kami membahas soal demi soal yang kami, anggap, jawab dengan benar. Dari Hukum Newton, ke perhitungan Magnetic North dan True North, sampai pembacaan tingkat kepadatan awan dalam oktas pun kami bahas. Dari 100 soal, gue pede dengan 70 soal yang menurut gue gue jawab dengan benar, dan dia pede dengan jumlah yang sama dikurang sepuluh. Tinggal nunggu hasil, deh, bakal lolos ke tahap selanjutnya atau nggak. Wallahu A'lam. 

Sebelum masuk ke komplek perumahan gue, kami mampir ke salah satu cabang PHD di daerah Caman dan memesan Double Box Pizza. Dheo memilih Cheesy Galore Pizza dengan pinggiran Cheesy Bites, sementara gue berpegang teguh dengan pizza andalan gue, Meaty Pizza. Nothing can go wrong with pizza that has meat and cheese on it. Padahal gue pingin yang Hawaiian Pizza, tapi Dheo nggak doyan nanas. 

Baunya harum banget, bener-bener bikin ngiler, gue sampai lupa untuk foto. Tapi, gue juga lagi dalam posisi kelaparan banget karena belum makan apa-apa dari subuh dan malah ngebabat magh gue dengan Coca Cola. Pinter, ya? 

Kami menghabiskan seluruh siang sampai malam kami nggak jauh-jauh dari DOTA, pizza, dan film. Sayangnya, karena laptopnya cuma satu, alhasil gue menyibukkan diri menghias tembok kamar gue dengan lukisan-lukisan random yang terlintas di pikiran gue, sementara pacar gue sibuk gonta-ganti skill untuk ngebunuh hero lawan. Di match pertama, dia pakai Invoker. Kebayang dong rumitnya kayak gimana itu jari buat nge-skill dari Sun Strike, ke Tornado, ke Ghost Walk, dan kemudian diakhiri dengan Chaos Meteor. Sayangnya kalah, tapi nggak apa-apa. Untuk hitungan dia yang baru lepas hiatus, untuk bisa mainin Invoker waras aja udah menakjubkan buat gue. 

Dua pizza ukuran reguler, dengan delapan potongan masing-masing pizzanya, berhasil kami habiskan berdua. Kebayang nggak, sih, betapa rakusnya kami? Belum lagi, karena perut gue masih ngerasa nggak enak, gue babat pula Soto Betawi bikinan Ibu gue yang masih ada sepanci di kulkas. Enak banget, gurih dan kaya akan rasa! Apalagi ditemenin emping dan sambil streaming film the Fate of the Furious. Wuih, sedaaap! 

So Wow. Much Deep.

Hello, readers.

It is almost half past two in the morning, and here I am genuinely feeling okay for the first time in these past few weeks. I just got of the phone with my boyfriend, we just finished today's studies for an upcoming job recruitment test at Garuda Indonesia. We studied for a couple of hours, which is good for our first day.

I am happy with the fact that I am finally got my head back in the game. I am being productive, despite the fact that it has only been two days, and I'm feeling good about it. My Mom bought me a set of soft pastels today and I managed to add something into my canvas. And, by canvas, I meant my bedroom wall. I'm not much of an artsy person, but to be able to draw a blue whale in the sky is definitely something big for me. And the fact that it took me less than two hours on it is totally a big deal.

I have two projects that I'm currently on, which are the Jar of Happiness and a 25 Days of Writing. Let's sort it one by one, shall we?

So, the Jar of Happiness is this year long project of taking notes of what makes you happy each day. I get to write any happiness I felt that day on a piece of paper, doodle it, make it look pretty and artsy and stuff, then put it in a jar. By the same date next year, I will probably have a jar full of positivity and happiness, and I get to read all of it and be thankful for a wonderful and happy year. I believe there will always be a lego I will stepped on but, hey, every cloud has a silver lining.

Next, is the 25 Days of Writing which I found at Pinterest. I was scrolling through the endless page of DIY Jar of Happiness when I stumbled upon this challenge. I don't see why I can't do this. Other than the fact it challenge me to be a good writer, I also get to shape my creativity. Aku ya emoh kalau harus dipenjara. Wong badannya udah dirantai, mosok ya harus dirantai juga pikirannya?

And the fact that I have been talking to my Father for these past nights truly set my heart at ease. I have left Him for too long. :)

On the one side, for those who happen to be good friends with depression, anxiety, and any other form of mental issues you might suffering at the moment, hang in there.

Different people tend to have different ways to handle their monsters. I had to isolate myself.  I had to be alone to feel sane, yet I found myself always in a constant battle of needing to be alone and feel terribly lonely. It made me feel like I was chained. I called out for help, but I had the key to set me free in my grip all this long.

Reaching out to your friends might help, because it helped me. A lot. I talked to my best friends and, even though they always got to the point of screaming, "Kinan, safe yourself from yourself!", they were very supportive.

If you have a special someone, don't be afraid to ask for his shoulder to lean on. He won't mind your tears, he won't mind your insecurities, he won't mind the fact that you are fragile and weak as fuck and all you need was his support and him saying, "Every thing is going to be okay" (in my case, "Udah, nggak apa-apa, jangan sedih lagi. Nanti kita belajar lagi, yah."), he won't degrade you as the woman you are, he won't be as unsupportive as you thought he would be. Give him a chance to be there by your side when you break.

Try do things that (used to) make you happy. I got to the point of hating eating and hating writing. Both are the things I love most and I had my moment of not having any passion to do any of them. But, I gave them a chance and, eventually, they made me happy again.

You will get through this, I promise. 

This morning, I woke up with content. I talked to one of my best friends last night and she was, surprisingly, very emotionally supportive regarding all the depression I have been having this past weeks. I even got a new diet method that I'm gonna try first thing tomorrow!

The fact that there is someone out there who understands you more than you do yourself and care about you is overwhelming.  It made me feel good. Finally. :)

Meh.

I went to Grand Metropolitan Mall, Bekasi, with Mom to buy some groceries and have dinner. I had an appetite for some Korean cuisine, so we went to Mujigae. Like usual, the staff greeted us with their signature, "Annyeong hashimnikka!" and "Annyeong haseyo!".

I ordered myself a set of Budae Jigae that costed Rp47.000,00, minus the tax, while Mom had her share of Beef Luncheon Ramyun. We also ordered a side dish that went by the name Original Korean Fried Chicken, a few pieces of boneless chicken meat bathed in a spicy and sweet red sauce. It didn't take long for our food to be served.

It was my first Budae Jigae. The Budae Jigae itself was more or less a hotpot of ramyun, or noodles, garnished with some macaroni, sausage, beef spam, leek, spicy minced meat, and egg bathe in red broth. It had this weird sweet flavor that I didn't quite fond of at first. The more I eat it, the sweetness disappear and was replaced by a spicy and sour flavor. It was okay, I guess.

After dinner, we went around the mall to shop more. Mom bought me a white shelf trolley for my printer at Informa and three pieces of beautiful clothes from Cotton On. We also shop for food and ingredients for my rendezvous with my girlfriends tomorrow. Mom is planning on making Quiche.

Oh yeah, I also bought me a lip tint from Body Shop! It has this beautiful, almost nude and neutral, dark cherry color that suits my skin color nicely. I'm not familiar with lip tints as this was my first time using it, but it was pretty handy to apply on.

And, for a second there, I thought that I managed to survive today without feeling sad or broken. But, I was wrong. The more I fake it, the more in eclipses my well being. Even painting my right hand's nails the color of mermaid's tail did nothing.

Not Today

Today, I woke up knowing that it's going to be a shitty day. But, I'm not just going to let myself dwell on it. So, I brought myself to get out of bed, reached out to my girlfriends, gave me a long and refreshing shower, painted my nails the color of Eragon, and made myself a nice loaf of brownies.

I looked up the recipe online. After minutes of scrolling and contemplating about which recipe I should use, I finally decided to use this one. I was too lazy to measure the ingredients in grams, so I settled with cups. It took some minutes to prepare the batter then, when I'm done, I put it in the oven for about 40 minutes.

The result was fine, if I may say. It doesn't look like how brownies should look like, with its' even and cracked surface, but it was okay. I cut into it to have a tasted and it also doesn't have the texture of a brownies. Maybe I did something wrong with the batter that made it have the texture of a spongy chocolate cake but, hey, I'm down with that.

In life, sometimes, things just don't work out the way you want it to be. Even when you think you did the best you could, without making any mistakes whatsoever, shit still happens. Let alone if you do make a blunder, big or small. But, it's okay. That's just how life works.

Now, are you gonna let yourself be down in the dumps? I say, not today.