See You, Bella

I’ve been enjoying myself these past three months I almost lost myself to this newly developed alter ego of mine. She goes by the name Bella, a very strong woman who doesn’t give any care about anything other than her parents and her happiness. She does what she needs to do to make herself happy, even if it means unfollowing some Instagram accounts that don’t suit her aesthetic palate and cutting off toxic people in her life. She is wild and free-spirited. A very determined fellow that won’t stop trying before she gets what she aimed, one of it being skinnier. 

My go-to salad

Yes, I’ve been very cruel to my body. I ate one meal a day, drank black coffee and smoke some cigarettes whenever I feel hungry, cut all carbs and excessive sugar intake, and work-the-hell-out of my month of June. I managed to drop to 57Kg, which is an amazing achievement after a drastic gain of weight during my line training last year. I could finally fit into my old dresses, which made me very happy. 

During these months of hell, I mostly cook my meal. Even if I had to buy my lunch, I managed to get me Tous les Jours’ Cajun Chicken Salad every. single. time. Tofu and tempeh are my daily staples, with some soup along the way whenever I have extra time to spare. I’m well aware by the fact that, with my current allowance, I’m able to go for take-outs everyday if I want to, but I chose not to. Cooking my own meal helped me to control what I eat, as well as saving money for me to spend on a trip to Narita, Japan. 

Clear soup vegetable ala me

Some oseng tempe and fried tofu

A plate of stir-fried stuff

Another stir-fried stuff, but the uglier version

I got all of the recipe I used from my Mom, who is the cook I look up to in the culinary world. I’m used to watching her dice up some garlic and put a bucketful of ingredient on a wok to make a delicious stir-fried vegetables, so cooking is not that alien for me. Most days, I settle with oseng tempe and clear vegetable soup. But, there are days when I feel like experimenting with other plant-based ingredients I bought at Superindo. 

Bella, you see, was not satisfied when she reached 57Kg. She was happy, but she thought she can do more. She wanted to lose more weight. She wanted a body that she thought people would want. She wanted people to see her as a 9. She wanted to be wanted. "Being skinny is not enough," she thought, so, after she got her blessing from Dad to dye her hair, she did. An aquatic blue ombre that reminds her of Sailor Neptune from an old anime called Sailor Moon. Followed by a series of short denims and cropped tops, she showed the world how she bloomed into this wild and beautiful orchid after years being caged and not having any option to grow. She’s happy. I’m happy.

Boiled some chopped carrots because I didn't feel like cooking

Being happy is always a good thing. But, in my case, I had to slow down a bit because of how overwhelming it was. I was too focused on making myself happy, I got way too comfortable with myself being happy by myself only. So, here I am, back doing what I love and what gives me sanity: writing and eating. I managed to eat like how I used to eat these past two weeks and a gained three kilos of fat already. I know I'm not being healthy, and I'm being very anxious with this whole weight gain thing, but Bella does no good to my body. I need to change my mindset from wanting to be skinny to wanting to be healthy. It sure will take time. I just hope Bella won't comeback for now. 

P.S. Pardon the vertical pictures. I was focussing a wee bit too much on my Instastory feeds, so I took pictures mostly in vertical.